Step 1. (long overdue)

In September of 2006, I filled out an application to get my Massage Therapy license in NY. I carried it around with me for a while. Left it at my office desk. Changed jobs, brought it home. Moved apartments. It moved with me.

Anyone who knows me knows this is how I tend to do things. I just carry the idea around with me, taking small steps whenever I feel ready.

When I found it this weekend, the application has a sticky note attached with a list of items.

License # (checked)
Name as it appears (checked)
Diploma received from MTI (checked)
Notarized
$100

And now? That application is filled out, notarized, signed and in an envelope, stamped and marked with NY State Dept of Education.

Step 1. (check)

Low Tolerance

I have a very low tolerance for depression. This does, on occasion, put me at odds with myself. And it wasn't always this way. I used to be able to be depressed for months on end without really even knowing it. I'd just behave inappropriately or make odd choices, that, upon reflection, reveal my unhappiest self.

Now, though, a week, maybe a month, and I start getting annoyed with myself. Currently, I'm shaking off a quick trip to the doldrums. I've been feeling a little off track lately, so I'm trying to figure out how that happened and, more importantly, what I can do about it.

Thing one: The Happy List
These are things that I want to have in my life. Whether that means these are things I can start acting on right now, or maybe circumstances I can only fantasize, for now, it doesn't matter. The task is to list them all out. And even just making this list has improved my mood.


I'll include the list here - just for fun. I notice that I went back and forth in tense and tone. But it doesn't really matter. This was just something to get the engine running! What does your list look like?


Work 4 days a week in an ad office, here or elsewhere. Or work freelance. Or both.

Take yoga teacher training. Then see if I can pick up a class or two on the weekends. Eventually tailor my officetime/writing schedule around my teaching schedule.

Live near more trees and grass.

Be healthy, active and positive.

Continue work on fun and fulfilling outside projects - whatever I choose: Kiwi, First Kiss, Freelance writing.

Travel. Because my schedule is more flexible, I can find great flights in advance and take short trips to Europe, Portland, Quebec or Peru.

I can work from anywhere. So, if I get a sub for my teaching classes - I can travel and write from anywhere. Or if I take a vaca from freelance work, I can go to yoga workshops anywhere in the world.

Take a continuing education yoga class in Bali, or Hawaii.

Have yoga friends. Just a couple of people who live that lifestyle. Who live in the world, but are also spiritual and committed to yoga. It will be nice to be able to melt into that community.

Get closer to my friends - cultivate relationships. Have people over, say yes to activities.

Go for long walks in the park - figure out a way to take Kaylee to central park. Lay down, read a book. Smell the grass and flowers. Sweat a little during the day and be cooled by the breeze on the walk home.

Silence is Golden

My week-long cold has given way (finally!) and I'm feeling human again. And while my head and body are getting back to normal, my voice has given out completely. I've been compared to a 1-900 operator, a 1920s starlet and, oddly enough, Sigourney Weaver.

I was pretty miserable this past week, and feeling very bad for myself. My fever and weakness led to a mental and emotional whirlwind of angst. I think I am usually busy enough that I plow through whatever doubts I have about myself or my path. But it is when I slow down that I sink into the mire I've put aside. This was not an attractive moment for me. I'm almost glad that L. was out of town, so I could wallow on my own.

The truth, though, is that even though I am feeling better, I have to take note of some of the things that came up in this last week: the doubts and fears that crept into my fevered dreams; the irritation that I felt at some aspects of myself and my career.

Last night was my brother's 40th birthday party, and I was surrounded by love and family. It snapped me out of my funk pretty easily (well, that and a new, pretty dress), and made me grateful for what I do have.

And now, I feel like I'm in this resting place where I have to marinate in the thoughts and sadness that I felt without acting too quickly or rashly. For some reason, I feel as if my voicelessness is a bit of a gift right now. I'm forced to listen, and not respond. There's nothing else to do about it right now. Just listen and acknowledge.